Objectively the best jokes of all time

Some people say Comedy is subjective. I beg to differ. If you don't laugh at these jokes, then go to the Doctor and get your funny bone checked out.

Tell me your favourites in the comments.

"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch.

My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."

Woody Allen

"Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something."

Mitch Hedberg

"My wife's cooking is not Cordon Bleu, it's Cordoned Off"

Les Dawson

"Man walks into a Chemist and asks for a deodorant. The man serving says "Ball or Aerosol?" and the man says "No, I want it for my armpits"

Unknown

 "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".

I then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.

So I decided to use irony myself when I got home.

 "Last weekend I was grilling steaks, and I burned them, and I said "Hey, great weather."

Jay Fullmer

"They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well they're not laughing now!"

Bob Monkhouse

"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body.

Then I realized who was telling me this."

Emo Philips

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes.

That way, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.”

Woody Allen

"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.

I'll tell you what, never again."

Tim Vine

"My wife's so thin, she has to wear skis when she has a bath"

Les Dawson

"Scientists recently announced that they had received what looked like intelligent signals from space. They were about to respond when they realised, embarrassingly, that the signals were actually meant for the solar system behind us"

Emo Philips

A blind guy walks into a bar.

He says "Hey bartender, I got a great blonde joke for ya".

Bartender replies "Well, sir, be aware that I'm blonde, the guy sitting next to you is 6'4 and blonde. The owner is blonde and is an ex-Navy Seal. And the guy on your right is also blonde and is a pro-footballer. Are you sure you want to tell this joke?"

The blind guy thinks for a moment and says

"Nah..not if I'm going to have to explain it four times" 

Unknown

"I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?'

He said: 'How flexible are you?'

I said: 'I can’t make Tuesdays.'"

Tim Vine

"My sister lives in Australia and when I call her on the phone, there's a slight delay.

Because she's a bit thick"

Harry Hill

"I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like."

Emo Philips

"When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said No! See, she had an uncle who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. So I could just have his motorcycle."

Anthony Jeselnik

“I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work;

I want to achieve immortality through not dying.” Woody Allen

“I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said,

‘How many potatoes would you like?’

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’”

Tim Vine

"You can tell a lot about someone's personality from what they're like"

Harry Hill

“As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it really.”

Milton Jones

"Our local Police chief recently did a talk on Heroin. Couldn't understand a word he said"

Tim Vine

“More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.”

Woody Allen

A man, tired of busy life in the city, moves to a house at the countryside, middle of nowhere. After living there for few months, his nearest neighbor, a big, hairy guy living few miles away, comes to visit him for the first time.

"There will be a party tonight at my place, are you interested?", asks the neighbor. The guy, already a bit bored of his quiet living, says "Okay, why not."

"There will be some dancing and singing there", informs the neighbor.

"It's okay, I can sing", he answers.

"And know that there will be heavy drinking too."

"That's not a problem either, I haven't had a drink since I moved here."

"There will be fighting too", says the neighbor.

"Uh, okay, I think I can live with that", he says.

"And after all that's been done, there will be some wild sex."

"Now that's good, I haven't got laid in ages!", he says, getting all excited about it.

"So I can count you in?", asks the neighbor.

"You bet you can", he says enthusiasticly.

"Okay, so it's a deal. Tonight at my place", says the neigbor and turns to go away.

"Wait, one last thing!", he yells after the neighbor. "How should I dress?"

"Oh, doesn't matter, just gonna be the two of us."

Unknown